Posted in Tangential Rants

Dead Inside?

 

You like to give an inch
Whilst I am giving infinity
But now I’ve got nothing left
You have no cares and I’m bereft…

If you ask me how I am doing at present, you’re more likely to be on the receiving end of stutters and flustered expressions. I’m trying to cope with the fact that I’m leaving for Malaysia in a little over two weeks – sometimes with witty comebacks, sometimes with conspiracy theories  – but the fact that I’m graduating makes me feel, well, a little dead inside.

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Posted in My Favorite Things, Tangential Rants

On Suicide and the Will to Live

Alternatively: Thoughts while Rewatching Death Parade. Naturally, spoilers for said series follow. Also, as the title implies, some content may be triggering (includes: suicide and mental illness references).

For the uninitiated, Death Parade is a 12-episode anime created by Yuzuru Tachikawa and produced by Madhouse (the same people who brought Death Note, One-Punch Man, and Prince of Stride in anime form). First aired in Winter 2015, I watched it for the first time last summer because my 12-year-old sister wanted me to.

With everything that’s happened since then, I decided to watch it again because I was in no mood for something new after Seraph of the End. But also because work was piling up and I needed something familiar.

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Posted in Tangential Rants

Of Green Tea and New Dreams

Naturally, I’m avoiding doing my homework because having anxiety sucks.

I’ve had this for years and I realize that I will never have the “right” levels of serotonin (which increases happy/relaxed moods) or cortisol (which increases anxiety) or whatever neurotransmitters that join together to make a “healthy” brain.

But I’ve learned to accept myself a little bit more in the few months since the Neil Tyson Incident – in which I decided to give up one dream to chase another. Perhaps being in engineering or in academia won’t suit me. I was fifteen when I had my first physics class and the kinematic equations intimidated me to the point that I told myself I would never be an engineer. But that’s not what I want to write about today.

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Posted in Tangential Rants

To Run Away

A sort-of sequel to a recent post on having existential crises.

I don’t know where to go after graduation. And while some people have told me that it would be okay, as an INFJ I need to know if I have a plan. It hurts because whatever I said I was going to do after graduation is nothing more than a joke or a thing past me wanted to do. I’m just living day by day at this rate because making plans stress me out – I can no longer think of the future without having these automatic thoughts that somehow say the same thing: everything will go wrong.

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Posted in Tangential Rants

Existential Angst.

Yes, I have not posted in about half a year. A lot has happened since then: I watched my sister turn 12, and turned 21 myself; had some really challenging conversations with my parents (that I wish I was more honest about), found a new community or two, improved my art skills, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But mostly I’ve been fretting and wallowing in existential angst. And it’s really taking a toll on me.

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Posted in Tangential Rants

I Am Not Invincible.

I apologize for not keeping up TWELVEtwenty-three recently; these sort of things happen towards the end of the semester and keeping my sanity is much more important than keeping an online audience, at least at this point in my life. As you may now know, I’ll be spending the summer pursuing my abandoned-but-not-quite-forgotten creative pursuits while taking my mind off the stressful year I’ve had. Today I’ll uncover one of the reasons why.

Continue reading “I Am Not Invincible.”