A sort-of sequel to a recent post on having existential crises.
I don’t know where to go after graduation. And while some people have told me that it would be okay, as an INFJ I need to know if I have a plan. It hurts because whatever I said I was going to do after graduation is nothing more than a joke or a thing past me wanted to do. I’m just living day by day at this rate because making plans stress me out – I can no longer think of the future without having these automatic thoughts that somehow say the same thing: everything will go wrong.
Yes, I have not posted in about half a year. A lot has happened since then: I watched my sister turn 12, and turned 21 myself; had some really challenging conversations with my parents (that I wish I was more honest about), found a new community or two, improved my art skills, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But mostly I’ve been fretting and wallowing in existential angst. And it’s really taking a toll on me.
I intended for this to be a Facebook post, but it got too long to be one and TWELVEtwenty-three needed some love. Here goes nothing.
I was in Putrajaya yesterday. My parents had to settle some business relating to them possibly attending my Commencement, so they dumped (in a manner of speaking) me and my sister at Alamanda (which, for those who don’t know, is a shopping mall).
I apologize for not keeping up TWELVEtwenty-three recently; these sort of things happen towards the end of the semester and keeping my sanity is much more important than keeping an online audience, at least at this point in my life. As you may now know, I’ll be spending the summer pursuing my abandoned-but-not-quite-forgotten creative pursuits while taking my mind off the stressful year I’ve had. Today I’ll uncover one of the reasons why.
First off, I’m sorry again for not posting last Sunday. I know that you’ve probably come to expect me to post every two weeks, but last Sunday was an inconvenient time for me to post. I had hurled myself headfirst into a plan that unfortunately did not work out, but hey, there’s always a silver lining: perhaps the plan will work out one day.
Right now it looks like I’ll be spending the months of May through August in my passport country, Malaysia. I’m looking forward to be reacquainted with something my life as an engineering student has limited my time for: creative expression. But first, I thought I would share with you how I came across it in the first place and why it’s such an important part of my life even though I could probably never make a living out of it, having no significant professional training whatsoever.
My 21st birthday is less than 5 months away, and I’ve been going through a stage in my life where I have been doubting myself and the decisions that I’m making. This semester has been particularly tough for me, and it has to do with looking for internships, taking challenging classes, debating whether I should stay or leave the States for the summer… but you may have read that from my blog post four weeks ago. Lately I’ve also been debating whether I should abandon the pursuit I had been on since freshman year and go on to a related but completely different track.
I’m terribly sorry, 12-23 readers, but I really wanted to write something for this week but failed to come up with a substantial idea. Not only that, one of my typing fingers is currently out of commission so it would not be advisable for me to write terribly long paragraphs until it recovers.
I’ll be sure to post again as soon as possible! – N